Soulforce Visits Abilene Christian University
A while back, I blogged about missing some of the fundamental supporting "fence posts" in life, such as my parents, my church family, and my (christian university) alma mater.I have been following an organization called Soulforce for more than a year now and was encouraged to see that Abilene Christian University treated them with dignity during their 2006 Equality Ride (while other christian universities and military schools arrested them and barred them from entering campus).
Soulforce's Web site contains anonymous letters from students who are currently attending christian universities, where homophobia is still going strong. Letters from the Closet demonstrates how homosexiality will never end. Which makes me wonder why people fight it so vehemently. It also illustrates that homosexuality is not a choice and highlights for anyone paying attention the agonizing conflict homosexuals experience when reconciling faith against who they are.
I came out in 1997. I recently read some of my own pre-1997 journal entries and they are extreme, incoherent, and frankly reflect someone I would steer clear of if I met him today. It isn't who I presented in public, but that was part of the problem. My public person was vastly different from who I was on the inside. It is no wonder that oppressed homosexuals kill themselves. I survived my teenage years because I believe in hell and was afraid of it. As funny as this is, I also survived because I blasted Amy Grant songs (this was the '80s) in my earphones for hours keeping bad thoughts away and "claiming" my value as an individual.
While I remain open, I still can't reconcile a Christian-based faith with my experiences with my parents and the body of Christians I grew up with, who have all rejected me.
It is also difficult to not have parents (who are alive and well in Oregon - my preacher father has a Web site called The Preacher's Study where he tells other people how to live).
It is difficult not to have a warm, accepting place as an alum. All of the data about my experience at ACU has been scrubbed from ACU's history books. This is funny but it stings. I was what ACU calls a "Sing Song Host" in 1996. In 2005, ACU invited hosts and hostesses from the past 50 years to attend Sing Song and perform a song (surely cheesy and an opportunity to look like idiots in front of young, current students). I was not invited, while my straight counterparts were.
I live most of my life not thinking about this topic. I would not go back in the closet or renounce who I am in order to reclaim my parents or my alumnus status at ACU. I live in San Francisco and three years ago moved from New York, where gay people are as ordinary as a sidewalk. We have to watch our backs sometimes, depending on the neighborhood. But for the most part we can be free to live our lives.
But while ACU has shown progress, I would still be expelled if I were a current student refusing to undergo counseling or the reparative therapy process.
This poor blog and its readers really get the brunt of this ongoing topic.
posted by Jay @ 3:09 PM
2 Comments:
With my logic, I have a hard time understanding how being gay could be a choice. Like, I know I'm not gay so why would I choose to be (or do) something I'm not. Unfortunately, my logic does not address some of the other issues you've come across - the trying to "fix" you mentally or emotionally. I think though, what's best for all people to remember in any situation is that you don't have to understand it or get it for it to be a reality.
Nothing profound here, just a few thoughts.
Hello, I found your blog from a link off Little Light's. I am an ACU Alum as well and came out after graduating. I was disfellowshiped from the CofC and have not had a relationship with my parents and siblings for over 10 years because of my gayness. For some reason coming across your blog has really helped me not feel so alone, which is something I have needed a lot of lately. Anyway just wanted to say hello and thanks for sharing your journey.
Brian
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